President Barack Obama responded to Tuesday’s mid-term election losses by promising to bend time and space, invent a cold fusion reactor and walk on water at least twice a week in an effort to appease his base—but also indicated he would keep the American people in the dark about what he’s accomplished.
“My administration steered through Congress the largest legislative agenda since FDR and The New Deal, but polls indicate most Americans don’t even know about it. For example, the stimulus bill included a tax cut for 95 percent of American families, one-third of it was tax cuts, yet most Americans don’t realize their taxes were reduced,” Obama said. “This lack of communication has been a hallmark of my first two years and I intend to keep that going.”
Obama noted the administration also passed financial reform, health care reform, expanded kids’ health insurance, passed the fair pay act, signed a nuclear reduction treaty with Russia and enacted the largest investment in infrastructure since the Eisenhower administration. Most Americans are completely unaware of this, which Obama called “a perfect score” in his lack of communication.
“A lot of presidents would be talking all the time about these accomplishments, and this is just the short list, but instead I think I’ll keep quiet about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of what we’ve done so far but what’s the point of being successful if everyone knows about it? It only makes it easier for you and your party to get reelected,” Obama said.
Election-day polls indicated voters may have supported more Republicans than Democrats, but were still largely unenthusiastic about the GOP being in power. A Rasmussen poll indicated a majority of Americans expect the Republicans will disappoint them.
Rep. John Boehner, (R-Ohio), expected to be the next Speaker of the House, held his own news conference Wednesday where he said the Republicans would do their best to prove the polls right. He said the GOP’s first order of business would be to figure out what their agenda was and discover where they stood on the issues.
“Up until this point our whole strategy has been to just say no to the president. Now that I’ll be running the house I guess we’ll have to offer ideas or something. I think we’re in favor of spending cuts but none of us have offered any specifics so it’s hard to say,” Boehner said. “We’ve also got some of these tea partiers coming in who want to eliminate Medicare, Social Security, education spending and environmental protections but the American people just won’t support that. Hey I’m in favor of all that stuff too, but those are the kind of issues you keep quiet about if you want to stay in office.”
One person not keeping quiet is Rep. Darrel Issa, (R-Calif.), who is expected to become chairman of the House Oversight Committee. Issa said he was already drooling at the prospect of investigating every aspect of the Obama administration before voters reject his party in 2012.
“Just like my hero, Newt Gingrich, I hope to spend countless hours and taxpayer dollars looking at the Democrats with a microscope to try and score political points,” Issa said. “Why would we focus on issues like the debt and the economy when I can investigate whether the administration uses too many paperclips? I also intend to find out if the administration is staffed by Democrats—for that’s a crime in my book. If we pursue this path we’ll only have two years before voters toss us out of here so we’ve got to get busy on this.”
